peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
