Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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