guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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