How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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