peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize