not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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