I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
