well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
