Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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