Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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