my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
