i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
