I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
