My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i love accidental penises.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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