he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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