I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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