Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & Iām going to drive there & throw it in your face
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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