I'm going to rape someone's good day.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
