i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
