recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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