Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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