i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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