My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
