My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
