you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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