the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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