A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
