Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
We smell like vodka and hangover
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