Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
