i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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