My nipple is on Facebook.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize