True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
