mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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