I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize