I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
