we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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