just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
