that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
