the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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