i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
