My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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