Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
