Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
