So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize