Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
