i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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