I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
