I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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