she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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