Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
