Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
