booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize