Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
