Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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