With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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