Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
