my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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