Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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