It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
