Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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