Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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