You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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