My Higher Power is John Stamos
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
