My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
