I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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