I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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