Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize