youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You've changed since you got that strap on
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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